This just in . . .

At a press conference earlier today, John Tate announced that he was coming out against the USA Today newspaper. While never a subscriber, Mr. Tate has been a long time supporter and patron of the popular daily. Reading from a prepared statement, the pastor, flanked on either side by the untrimmed hedges that mar the appearance of the otherwise stately parsonage, declared : "The decision to end my twenty year relationship with the USA Today has not been an easy one. The paper has been a faithful companion for many a flight, coffee break, and meal eaten alone at a restaurant. Concerning those meals, I would like to personally thank the paper for all the pity it has successfully deflected over the years. But in the end, my ongoing campaign against the doppelganger was being compromised by my addiction to useless information. I'm afraid that USA Today is now USA Todon't." Mr. Tate also cited cost increases and what he called "subversive attempts by the editorial board to curdle the faith of Christians" as reasons for the break-up. A spokesman for USA Today expressed shock and disbelief at today's announcement: "We've heard grumblings from Mr. Tate in the past; but he always comes back. Where else is he going to read a critical treatment of the weekend's color commentary of sporting events or find out the truth about the love lives of reality stars? He'll be back." Tate sounded resolute however when fielding questions from the imaginary gaggle of reporters assembled on the east lawn. When asked if he'd pick up and peruse an already purchased and discarded copy, Tate replied coldly "I might poach it for the crossword." Tate was seen late today outside of the Dunkin Donuts on Washington Road with what appeared to be a copy of the Augusta Chronicle. The doppelganger could not be reached for comment.